Raccoon
by PeachBelle
Summary: The Harper family deals with a persistent raccoon in their apartment rafters. Slight Roy/Jade in the fact that they are married. This is based off my current living situation, so please enjoy my pain!


**Disclaimer:** Okay. So. I just moved to a new house and we have a freaking RACOOON in the rafters between our house and the townhouse attached. For the last week I have been plagued at 5 AM with this awful critter. Now. I'm an animal lover. I volunteer at my animal shelter, I took an animal rights class in undergrad. But raccoons in your attic is a serious problem, not only can they electrocute themselves by destroying your wiring and then die and stink up the place but they cause major destruction to homes all the time. Their waste is also super dangerous to air quality of your home and to pets. I love all animals, but I love my dog more. My landlord is trapping the animal and humanely taking it away from our home to another woods. So please don't go all PETA on me for this fic. Please keep in mind Roy's upbringing on a Navajo reservation as well. Okay, go enjoy my fic. I certainly hated thinking it up at 5 AM last night.

**Raccoon**

Jade was always a light sleeper. She guessed it came with the job; always sleep with one eye open or you'll be killed. The habit never did die. Not even now, where she had the luxury of a Queen sized bed with an extremely well made mattress (it was probably the most expensive thing in the apartment), a newerish apartment with excellent insulation (nothing like the awful apartment she was used to), a separate bedroom for Lian (which meant less chance of her waking up from certain noises), and a hunk of a red-headed husband who's chest and arms provided wonderful pillow and blankets. She should have been able to sleep easier with all these luxuries, and maybe she was able to slightly, but the fear of getting killed in the middle of the night was enough to keep her alert. Roy seemed to share the sentiment, though definitely not to the same degree.

It was a common household occurrence at night for Jade to suddenly spring wide awake, separating herself from her husband's arms and sit up alert to any noises. Usually it was nothing major: a cry of a cat outside, Lian's baby monitor crackling to life when she turned over. Sometimes it was a police siren, cutting through the night like a gunshot, and even Roy stopped his teasing groans of protest when Jade sat there attentive in silence. That noise would never let Jade rest easily. Once it passed and there were no pounding footsteps at the door or stairs Jade would return to her husband's arms where she would pretend to fall back asleep.

That was another thing she hated about being a light sleeper. Once she was awake, she was awake. Roy seemed to have the miraculous talent of not remembering when his head hit the pillow. A small noise, even getting up and feeding Lian never bothered his sleep schedule and he could pass right back out without issue. Jade was incredibly envious of that factor. And it was that annoying part of her mind that stayed awake that she hated more than the cause of the sound itself.

The sound began one morning at around 5 am. She knew it was 5 am because she always got up at 6:30 and being disrupted from sleep so close to when you have to wake up was one of the most irritating feelings. She was more surprised to hear Roy speak before she did.

"What is that?" he groaned, his sleep deprived voice rugged with annoyance and slow with the effects of slumber.

"Bats," Jade replied, half asleep herself. No. Bats were in Gotham, they were in Star City. The fear of footsteps on the roof was a fear her father and mother had when she was a child in Gotham. They did not have to have that fear here, and Roy would fear that too. Most people would, even if they were a superhero. "Ollie?" she suggested, annoyed that she was becoming more awake from the brief conversation.

Roy didn't respond, and Jade glared at him in the dark. It wasn't fair, not at all.

"No," he replied after a moment, pushing lightly on her shoulders so she would get off of his chest while he rose to his elbows. "Sounds like a raccoon, or squirrel," he replied, his face turned upwards towards the source of the disturbance. "A little early for a squirrel though," he added with a frown.

Little feet were scampering above them. They lived on the top floor of the apartment building, convenient for both of them when they wanted to sneak out and do some patrolling. At least, that's what Roy did. Patrol. Jade just missed the night sometimes. A large thump sounded above them, and Jade glanced over at the baby monitor, half expecting it to sound. The noise was quite loud as it was.

Roy rose to a standing position on the bed, tilting his head closer to the high loft ceilings. A sound like a nail being dropped rang out and Jade glared at the ceiling, annoyed. "How did it even get on the roof?" she asked Roy, crossing her arms over her chest. It was cold now that he got up.

"They can climb really well, we're only on the second floor," he reminded her, shaking his head as he sat down beside her. "It'll go away, let's just go back to bed and be glad Lian didn't wake up."

But it didn't go away.

The next morning Jade sat cross legged on the couch, spoon feeding Lian and balancing her laptop on her lap. "I think it's either an opossum or a raccoon, because of the time of day," Jade said to Roy, who was sitting next to her, holding Lian and watching the television.

"Uh huh," he replied, and Jade turned to look at him, waiting until he turned to meet her gaze. "What?"

"Doesn't this bother you? I didn't get any sleep after that," She replied, more angry that he fell asleep midsentence on her last night.

"Sorry, but you can catch up on sleep tonight," he replied, his eyes traveling back to the television. Jade rolled her eyes and shut her laptop. "Seriously though, it's been one night. If it was a habitual I'd be more concerned," he glanced over at his wife, unable to hide the smirk from his face. "You're such a girl, Jade, afraid of a raccoon."

"I'm not afraid of it. I want to tear its balls off and feed them to it," she replied sourly, glaring when Roy's smirk grew.

" Now there's a fight I'd like to see," he replied, dodging her shove back. "Go get some sleep, you're irritating and I prefer you when you have enough sleep to sass me," he replied, a smile on his lips as he watched his wife for her reaction. She snorted, kissed Lian on the top of her head and then gave her husband a mock glare before retreating to their bedroom for a nap.

It was 5:34 when the noises returned. This time Roy didn't wake up as quickly as Jade did. The noises were similar to the night before; walking, bumps, scratching and a bit of gnawing. There was no way it was just ON the roof. It had to be inside.

"Oh don't worry Jade, you'll get some sleep tonight," Jade mimicked as Roy once again stood up on the bed. Roy ignored her and reached over to grab his bow, hitting it against the ceiling. The noises paused for a moment, but continued as they were. Roy sighed and slammed his fist against it, retrieving an identical response.

"You could have kicked me out," he replied, glancing around the room for something a bit more practical to use.

"You stripped down to your boxers and started unzipping my pants. How was I supposed to kick you out and nap after that?" Jade replied, getting up herself when the crackle of the baby monitor sounded and Lian's cries were heard. Roy sent his wife an amused look, which quickly turned apologetic when he recognized the sound of their child.

The noises stopped around the same time Lian stopped crying and fell back asleep. Roy was back in bed, still awake, when Jade returned to their bedroom. "I'll call the landlord in the morning, I'm pretty sure it's in the rafters," Roy said to her as she crawled in next to him. "We had this problem at the reservation once, usually if it's a raccoon they'll have babies and you don't want to deal with that," Roy leaned back down onto the pillow and Jade stole a glance at him.

"You had raccoons in your teepees?" She teased and Roy glared at her.

"We didn't have _teepees_ Jade," he sighed, this was a common conversation, and she knew more about his life at the reservation than anyone did. She still liked to tease.

"So then in your mud houses you had raccoon babies and raccoon mommies," she replied, momentarily forgetting her extreme tiredness in order to tease him. He groaned and shoved her shoulder.

"I've told you, I lived in a house house, not a hogan," he replied, shutting his eyes to shut her up.

"So how'd you get rid of it?" She pressed, rolling over to her side and propping her head up and watching him as he started to fall asleep. She really did hate him for that ability.

"Shot it, ate it-"  
"You ATE it?"

"Native Americans Jade…."

"But still…"

"It was part of becoming a man," he mumbled his reply, and sure enough Jade heard the change of his breathing that noted his sleeping state. Rolling her eyes and cringing at the thought of eating raccoon, Jade rolled over herself and attempted to fall back into sleep.

It was night five of the unwanted daily wakeup call.

Jade was holding Lian to her shoulder and staring at Roy from their doorway. "What did the landlord say?" she asked, her voice incredibly annoyed after disturbed sleep for so many nights. Roy turned to his wife and sighed. He, too, had a rough night that night. He hadn't returned home until after 3, and waking up to bang on walls was not his idea of a good time.

"Said he'd come trap it when he comes back from Ireland," he repeated to Jade, getting off the bed and setting the mop handle he had been using for noise back down.

"And when is that?"

"In a week."

"A WEEK?" Jade's sudden outburst caused another wave of sniffles from Lian. Roy shook his head and took Lian from his wife, kissing the top of both their heads.

"I'll figure something out, I promise," Roy said, defeat in his voice as he carried Lian back to her bedroom. Jade had been so excited to move out of the dingy apartment to a nicer one with two bedrooms instead of one. She had used up the remaining money from her last Shadow's gig to get them out of the old place, but now she wished they never left. At least the cold drafty windows didn't encourage raccoons.

The next afternoon Jade sleepwalked through her day. As much as she hated medication and rarely took a pain killer let alone something stronger, Jade picked up a bottle of over the counter sleeping pills. Natural kind, of course. Roy didn't need any more addictions and she wanted something really minor that Lian could take without problems. She felt terrible for her daughter, and her crankiness was evident as they wandered through the grocery store. It was only when Jade blanked on her grocery list that she knew she had to go home and get some rest.

Carrying what groceries she did remember, with Lian on her back, Jade walked up the stairs to their apartment, stopping in the hallway. Something smelled…strange. Cautiously walking past their neighbors she groaned when she realized it was coming from her apartment.

Opening the door just made the smell more potent. It wasn't bad per se, but it wasn't exactly what Jade would call appetizing. Once she set the groceries on the kitchen table Jade saw the source of the smell.

Now, Jade was a neat freak to say the least. It was borderline obsessive compulsive. She would defend her obsession by saying it was the perfect burglary detector. She knew when a book was misplaced, when dirt was present that wasn't there before. But the sight in front of her made her blood boil.

"I'm going to clean it up, I swear," Roy said as fast as he could when he noticed his wife's eyes swooping across him. He was surrounded by newspaper and covered in blood, a bloody, broken arrow in front of him.

"What did you do?" Jade sighed, staring at her husband in defeat. The timer on the crockpot sounded, and Jade turned to shut it off before glancing back at her husband curiously. "Why are you cooking?"

Roy didn't cook like a normal person. She had to rescue kraft mac and cheese from the stove whenever he decided he would make dinner. She, on the other hand, was an excellent cook, but sacrifices were made and Roy simply could not do health food every day. She was a pretty strict vegan as it was. Only for the hormones, she could care less about animal rights. Roy respected animals more than she did, most likely due to his upbringing, but even he traveled to the golden arches on occasion for a quick meal.

"Oh God," she muttered when she realized exactly what was cooking in her prized pot.

It wasn't as good as roasted on the campfire, but Roy said it was pretty close. Jade decided that night that silence had never tasted so delicious.


End file.
